This is my first xanga entry ever. I have no experience at this and I don't know whether or not there is something I should say my first time, but I hope that who ever does read this, few though it may be, will draw something meaningful from it.
In the middle of my spring semester last year, my life was thrown into utter chaos. I thought my life was running pretty perfectly and pretty smoothly. I had great grades, a good church, and the perfect relationship which was going strong at over 3 years. Suddenly my world was sent into the biggest tailspin by the total decimation of my relationship...it killed my spirit completely. I had always trusted God to get me through events in my life, but this was going to far. I was done putting my trust in him, I had tried to love him and my girlfriend and do everything how I thought he wanted and he slapped me in the face with a metal gauntlet. He took away what was most important in this world to me, and not only that, but took it away in a drawn out and painful process that took 2 of the worst weeks of my life.
The rest of the school year and into the summer and even going into this school year, my life was not right with God at all. I hated him in the beginning, then I resented him over the summer for not putting my life back to the way it was, and up until about a month ago, I would even trust him to give a me a good life again. My future was in my hands and that is the way that it had to be. I had gone from anger, to self loathing, to utter depression. I didn't care what I looked like, what I said, what I did...or even if I lived anymore...and when you seriously get to the point of considering ending life...you can take a couple of new perspectives on life. The first is that you are going to make the best out of life, and you enter it with a renewed sense of vigor. The other is to decide that living is better than dieing and I might as well just go through with it even though it sucks. I took the latter!
The same relationship problems happened to a lot of my close friends within one month of the demise of my relationship...but the difference I saw in my friends is it helped their life perspectives. It helped them grow in their walk with the lord, because it humbled them and brought them way down to where all they could do was trust him to get them through. I later figured out what my problem was with the whole relationship thing was...I was a prideful, prideful man! I thought that this whole relationship was God blessing on me for being as good as I was and hime taking it away was just an insult to me...like he owed me everything that he gave me...ha ha ha!
I could never trust God with my future. Since the ending of the prior relationship, I have tried to quantify any future relationship I could have. I needed certain requirements to be fulfilled before I would even consider a relationship...but above that I needed a basic confirmation from God that this person is the one...otherwise I would never pursue a relationship for fear of hurt and failure.
There were a couple people I had taken a liking to but I shut them out becuase I figured why pursue anything without a gaurantee...I was about as jaded toward relationships of all kinds as you could be. It was a long and dark spiritual journey for me over those almost 7 months.
Like I said, I was in a depression...I was missing classes because I was too apathetic about life to even care enough to get up, I was not having interest in being with people, I was lonely, and I know it, and I gloried in it.
Recently though, I have really taken a serious interest in my spiritual life and getting things back on track. It started by seeing the changes that God was making in my friends and then I started meeting a lot of people who were spiritualy more mature then me in their walk and it really started to grip me. I have made friends with as many of these people as possible because that influence is a good one to have in your life. All these people are amazing and they have helped me, whether they know it or not in finding my way back to the father.
I was finally recommended to a church by a recent friend of mine and the messages there have really spoken to my heart, and that has helped a lot. But going to Campus Crusades, and having Bible study, and having quiet time, and simple prayer have given me so much more.
One verse that really got me recently was in Job:
"10 None is so fierce that he dare stir him (leviathan) up; Who then is he that can stand before me?
11 Who hath first given unto me, that I should repay him? Whatsoever is under the whole heaven is mine."
- Job 41: 10-11
This is one of the few example in the Bible of God's not so nice side. God really goes off for a few chapters in Job about everything he has done that man can't do, and then he says...whom among you has done anything for me, that I owe you anything. That is powerful, just dwell on that thought for a minute...just living in country with clothes and a house and the internet, we are already blessed with so much more than others.
Tonight in Bible study we were talking about the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the spirit, and we came to relationships...that was a very vulnerable spot for a few guys it seems and it came with good discussion. IT seems I am not the only one who has trouble trusting God. I said the fruits of the spirit that I need to work on most are Patience(longsuffering) and self-control. I am always ready to jump to what I think the next step should be without consulting God first because I have no patience to wait for his time and then I lose the self-control. I want my future to be decided and shown to me, I want to know who I will marry, but I won't until it happens(until he lets me know who it is).
My patience is being tried right now and I pray that I will not give into the temptation to pursue this anymore until I hear a response first. What I finally came to realize is God loved us so much, he made us and gave us free will to choose whether or not to love him and trust him. When I put that in context in any future relationships, I have to let my self love people to the point that if they hurt me, which will always happen in a relationship, I will still love them for who they are, and I can accept it. I need to love as God loves, and recieve his love first, otherwise I will never be able to accept anyone elses'.
God help me! I hope somebody has gotten something out of this and this has elucidated the answers to somebodys questions...this is my story. | 
. Also, tonight came with some big revelations. 
behind. And you know what, I found out that I care more about my relationships than I do about my career. Not only that, but I have more spiritual maturity than I thought.
